Be careful what you wish for

If being treated with benign indifference has become irksome, I am wondering how the alternative would make me feel.

He prioritises everything above me, including his ex wife. 

He opened a new facebook account and decided to feature the date of his marriage in his timeline (he's been separated for a year) I mean, I'm glad they get on and all that, but this just looks to my friends as though I'm having an affair.


If he frequently shares ideations about "the one who got away"...he gave everything up for her, he loved  her, he was prepared to start a new life with her... and yet somehow (tiny voice) not me.  And despite the fact that she treated him so BAD and I treat him so NICE. Incidentally Hamish did that too. Before me there had been Clancy perfect, beautiful well groomed, but an utter bitch. I really  do fit awfully well into the Tart with a Heart subplot.

He objectifies me and judges me purely on my physical attributes and sex appeal.. This is so obviously a way of making me matter less so he can justify it as "just sex"

In other social media websites, he flirts openly with other women. Our mutual friends. When I pick him up on it he says "well better than doing it behind your back".denounces any attraction for them.  He honestly claims not to realise he is leading people on.

One mutual friend from our bike club was stuck at home with a broken arm. So he rang her to be friendly and proceeded to go round with a bottle of wine because she was claiming to be house bound. She was no such thing later that week she was out clubbing and now she is off overseas whilst on sick leave...but he didn't see this behaviour (personal visit with alcohol) as in anyway leading her on or sending the wrong message.

So if I'm feeling uncomfortable about all these things feeling essentially that what they spell out is that he is not ready for commitment and I am just Mrs right now.

What if he was rushing into a relationship with me, pushing through his divorce, making it happen, moving in declaring his love...What then? I don't think I would really want him.

Benign Indifference

Well, hot tradie, I am going to call you Seamus, because the whole thing has gone a bit like Hamish.

Hamish. He dated me for 9 months introduced me to his family took me out to parties. Studiously avoided telling me he loved me, or any sort of commitment. At one stage he did say he would like to find someone to grow old with. I would see him at least twice a week, once at his once at mine. He never prioritised me over his other engagements - dinner at pub with old friend or quiz night.

I interpreted his behaviour as follows:

(1) he was not able to talk about his feelings - perhaps even emotionally unavailable

(2) he did not want to form a lasting partnership with me right now, but I was, at the very least, a contender

What I now know is that his feelings were probably more along the lines of the following which I would describe as benign indifference.

(1) I was not unduly unattractive or irritating
(2) I was a handy and available way of getting laid
(3) I was good enough to pass the time with until something better came along.

All this done with no malice, if I were to put it like that he would probably deny it, but this really has to be the underlying premise that allows your to suddenly say.. It's not working for me, we got involved too fast, but you are an angel.

In short the classic tart with a heart 

Courtesty of the Daily Mail

I have recently woken up to something similar in my relationship with Seamus. He never prioritises me everything comes first. He will obviously pop round at 9pm after he has done overtime, helped his ex wife with the lawn/ pool/ moving the mattress. Fixed his son's car, done a 66km bike ride.. he never makes plans with me, and if he does 5pm often becomes 7pm whilst I wait around.

I think sometimes we work harder to please those we respect/love. So I bend over backwards to fit around his plans. but as another old cliche goes familiarity breeds contempt. So it is easy to make yourself the handy shag.

I need to care sufficiently little to say "no" to him occasionally. And if I am afraid that this will result in him leaving me. Well so be it. If he really loved or respected me he would fit around my plans.

Life happens to the un-canny

The mid life crisis has really kicked in. I am quite startled at how I have become "old" ish and I have neither made an impact, had a successful career nor even, yet, left a lasting legacy. The feeling is uncomfortable. I have missed the mark on many things and it would be facile to say "It's never too late!" because it patently is. However,  I do feel the need to ask the question "Why?"

Why did I marry the wrong guy? Why didn't I follow a career that allowed me to be creative? Why did I not use my unquestionable gift for foreign languages? How did I end up only having one child?How did I end up living on the opposite side of the world to my loved ones?

And here is the answer. From my earliest childhood, my philosophy on life was that it is something that happens TO you. I can only assume that others are more canny. My understanding has always been that life is like a movie, a story waiting to unfold. You jump at opportunities when they arise, but essentially you are on a roller coaster and there is no getting off, or changing its course.

So it was that, like Cinderella or any of the other fairytale princesses, I dreamt of who I was going to marry. My diaries would have probably said it explicitly "I wonder who I'm going to marry". The vision was always a happy and benevolent one. A person would come along, or perhaps according to my mother's advice I would put myself in the right place at the right time. In due course there would be home, family and in accordance with social mores of the time and my mothers ambition for me I would also have a career. Maybe a doctor.

In the early hours when I can't sleep I try to unravel all those questions and yes, the answer is a lack of self determination. And what of those other "canny" ones?  there is no other explanation than they planned their lives, saw their main chance.

When approaching marriage they weighed up the options - quite right. What man would just say yes to the first woman who swept him off his feet? In some ways it seems liberated to have the self respect to take each offer on its merits and reject them if they do not advantage you.  It's probably the only time an object in a shop window gets to choose its owner.  I was just grateful someone had finally asked me. I was the last to get a bra, start my periods, get engaged... I waited in vain for so long  on all occaisions and when Simon finally asked me it was with gratitude that I welcomed this next stage in lifes progression.  I didn't look that hard at the man I was marrying or the implications of this marriage on my future life.

The canny ones would re-chart  their lives when they went off course. They would have enough assertiveness not to be held to ransom over when they would give birth, or whether they would live near their families

The canny ones would recognise that earning a living was secondary to doing something that makes your heart sing because really you only get one life.

So it's a personality thing. This inclination to accept what is thrown at you? or is it upbringing? It might work if everyone did the right thing and behaved well. As for selecting a husband from the myriad of offers (which there weren't) money didn't come into it. I thought it crass to even think that money was an issue. Like being bought like a whore. Marriage really would've been prostitution. You marry for LOVE. Yet somehow, whilst being completely and properly in love my "canny" friends managed to marry someone who could earn a living and in most cases support them fully whilst they took a number of years off to bring up children.

A slightly more tricky one is being brought up a Christian, with a hope of eternal life. The job in this life being to be nice to people, work hard and be honest and have integrity in everything you do. This is counter-productive to having a career. So naked ambition is out the window and so is doing something to please yourself. You might be forgiven in your late 40s for looking back and hoping to god there is an eternal life to look forward to because you just squandered this one on trying to make other people happy. Canny friends heard those truisms "life is not a rehearsal" or "your life lies before you like a path of snow, be careful how you tread it, for every step will show"  and they heard listened and comprehended them. It makes me wonder how someone like me with a modicam of intelligence could have been so stupid to realise these were not just cliches.